My oldest daughter, Hannah recently graduated from college and is now living in a house with 7 other college girls. She had invited me to come down to her place for a sleepover to visit her church and writing group. I was beyond elated for the invitation. I had to wonder is this really happening, that she wants my presence. I have found the year 15 for my 3 oldest kids had started a hard season. I am not sure if it is the hormones or what but I felt like there was lots of crying and misunderstandings. I always knew my kids loved me but age 15 was the start of a couple year stretch of being pretty sure that I was not liked and that I was just a regular source of annoyance.

The parenting books recommend not taking things personal especially in the teen years but as a HUGE empath and a highly sensitive person- this advice felt impossible. Hopefully I do with this with kid #4 but who knows perhaps he will not continue the pattern. I can hope.

All that to say, I am so thankful our relationship has shifted. I believe we both find delight in the other and oh what sweetness this is.

I journaled it all in the early morning hours while I was there to capture it so that is what I include here. I am include present day reflections throughout.

WHAT A LOVELY WEEKEND!!! Truly it hasn’t even been 24 hours but my cup is overflowing. It is said that time flies when you are having fun. But it also seems to expand- there is a fullness of time when doing life-giving things. Life-giving means different things to each child of God. Yesterday I spent 5 hours decluttering, organizing, and tidying and I was giddy with joy. I imagine some of Hannah’s housemates would say it felt more life-sucking and dreadful. But for me- I was in my happy place, in the zone, where time stands still yet also flies by and I don’t want it to even stop to do things like eat or sleep. I am so grateful to be invited to her college house on a cleaning day. Acts of service is my top love language so that is often how I want to show love to others and would likely have been very tempted to help out but to clean on a non-cleaning day may have felt insulting or judgmental to her house mates.

This time here has been a weekend with so many wonderful elements. When I arrived, we drove to a local university that has its own 26 acres of gardens- Fullerton Arboretum. This felt great since I went on a field trip back in my college years and it has been on my bucket list to revisit it the last 30 years. It was not mind blowing but it was lovely to stroll through the shade and look at trees and plants uncommon to my everyday life. As a naturalist, this fills my cup immensely. Author Gary Chapman shares about 9 sacred pathways that we connect with God and nature is one of them. A delight to walk and talk with my daughter. I had saw a young pregnant mama and I was transported to the time when Hannah was in my belly and I was walking through The Huntington (another public gardens) and now I walk with her as an adult, as friend more than as a child. Whew, lump in my throat just writing that.

We come back to a lunch of meal of prepped beans, rice and all the fixings. These are all foods Hannah has grown up eating and now she prepares them for herself and is wise enough to meal prep for her week as a student teacher. She insisted we save money and eat these homemade lunch bowls.

Next we head to her writing group from church. I knew she had this but I figured I would stay home and read while she went to this. Nope, she WANTED and hoped I would join her. Seriously, how can this trip get any better?!? We meet at a local coffeeshop. Hannah knows our finances are beyond tight so she insists on treating me to a mocha. Earlier she also insisted for paying for the arborteum’s parking. The one provided for is now providing for her parent. Some may feel shame having these tables turned but I do not. It is just reality of our current finances. It is what it is and I accept it. Without being in this position, I would likely not have the opportunity to be blessed. As her mom, I want to provide for all her needs and then some more on top of that. But this is a sweet gift she has given me.

We only stay an hour but I could have stayed several more. We leave to get back to the house for a cleaning day. One of the young ladies has made a list of her hopes for the day. The list is THRILLING to me. I could not wait til we could get started.

I wish I took a before and after photos. What joy to help bring peace and order to their space. I realized through reading Walking on Water (a book Hannah loaned me while I was there) that my work is art. “The artist is a servant who is willing to be a birth-giver”. The work of tidying is giving birth to peace and beauty. Just some of the girls’ reactions when walking through the front door- “This is soooo delightful… It is so peaceful and cozy in here…. I never wanted to come into this room but now I want to sit in here….This looks beautiful!!… It looks so nice.”

I could have worked myself into exhaustion but I knew I needed to listen to the limits of my body. So I got ready for bed and into my cozy PJs and enjoyed Hannah’s last Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cup. I put my feet up on the couch and started to read Walking on Water, a book she thought I would enjoy. Yet again- another gift to my soul. The rest is truly restorative and the words on the pages are an encouragement to my author’s soul.

After about 2 hours of pretty much silent communion with Hannah as we sit in our own worlds of reading and writing- we transition to get ready for sleep. This is also a way I connect to God and myself- through silence and contemplation.

Something so simple yet again a source of great delight as we chat and giggle with the lights off while laying in our beds. It is very reminiscent of every other girls sleepover in my life yet so wonderfully new and beautiful as a 48 year old mom who has been invited into her newly college graduated daughter’s sacred space of shared housing with 7 other girls. I’m in awe that this is my life with so much overflowing gratitude.

I wake the next morning as the room is brightening with the rising sun. I only got 6 hours of sleep but I feel so awake and alive. I walk through the peaceful living room and am so thankful for the chance to help this house feel more like a home for my daughter and her housemates. Order and cleared spaces bring her heart relief so what a gift to provide this. I plug in a strand of white Christmas lights so they can be greeted with the whimsy of their twinkle. I think there is something special about the warmth of these little lights. Perhaps it brings me back to the special memories of waking as a child on Christmas morning to see a dark living room only illuminated by these magical lights. This strand was already hanging up but it was without an extension cord. I often like to add these lights as a finishing touch on my organizing projects. They add a bit of pixie dust to my projects. I remember the first project I added these. I was helping a young mama who felt like she was drowning in being a working mama and toddler life. I knew God has gifted me with the gift to purge/tidy so I helped her organize her whole house but my first project was pantry/laundry room. I added a string of white dollar tree lights to the top pantry shelf. The soft glow was so inviting. My hope was that even if everything else feels hectic and crazy that when she walked into her pantry she can feel at peace and be able to take a deep breath and recenter herself for the heavy work of mothering. A cluttered space truly contributes to a cluttered mind so what joy when I can help bring a sense of serenity to a space and ultimately to a soul.

Okay back to the lovely morning. I get dressed and sit out on her front porch. I just sit and watch the many hummingbirds for a good while. I am reminded I don’t just sit for often in my everyday life and I RARELY sit outside even though nature fuels me. Literally after I typed that last sentence I got up and sat outside and enjoyed looking at our flowering vine as I let me toes enjoy the cool grass. Being still and silent is so simple but it is not easy. It is easier for me to go, go, go but it takes intentionality and discipline to do what my soul truly needs.

There was a season where I allowed myself this luxury often. At the time it did not feel like a luxury but a desperate necessity as it was my first intense season of anxiety. My sick and hurried soul knew the prescription I needed- stillness, silence, solitude and nature. These were not common things as a mom of 3 young kiddos. I would sit under the pines until peace reigned over my frazzled nervous system. I knew when I was ready to reenter my everyday life when my breathing steadied and my heart calmed. My kids and husband got used to hearing me say,”I’m going to go hangout with Jesus.” In my front yard I even got 2 Adirondack chairs and faced them together as a visible reminder of the invisible communion. That was such a special season. But this is true of many trials- I do not wish to go through the struggle again but I would not trade it for the world because of the treasures that were mined from the trial. That suffering of anxiety lead me to the practice of pausing and enjoying the presence of God.

So on this quaint patio I was watching hummingbirds and listening to the the light Southern California rain. This is not real rain like the torrential downpours we would experience in NC. One of my favorite smells is wet concrete from the first raindrops. What a joy to watch dozens of hummingbird interactions and write this cool fall morning. And this trip is not even over yet!! I get to got to church with Hannah. She really wanted me to experience her church family. Church was special too. I was moved to tears twice, which I held back til afterwards because I knew there could have been a lot of snot. I was so happy that Hannah has this faith community and I was also reminded of the family feel of Story Church and that naturally brought both sadness and gratitude since we have closed that chapter.

I am also looking forward to organizing their pantry and their party supplies cupboard. I went out and bought bins and labels from dollar tree. I geek out over matching containers with labels. I also look forward to going to the beach tomorrow. Hannah asked if I wanted to stay one more night since she knows my love of the beach and she was already planning to go to the beach. I told her that I would let dad know and I shared how he misses me. She said, “Well I miss you. It has been weeks.” Seriously my heart is breaking in a good way with all the love from her.

I am reminded that I can be both busy like my hummingbird friends and be in a tidying joyful whirlwind and also sit and watch these glorious creatures. Last night in reading Walking on Water I came across some timely inspirations:

“I’ve long since stopped feeling guilty about taking BEing time; it’s something we all need for our spiritual health, and often we don’t take enough of it.”

“Listen to the silence. Stay open to the voice of the Spirit.”

“When there is no time for being- there is not time for listening.”

Being here on this mini retreat has reminded me of what my soul needs:

• I NEED to experience beautiful places
• I NEED to experience new places as an ISFP- “spontaneous adventurer”
• I NEED to be writing
• I NEED to just sit and enjoy God’s creation
• I NEED to regularly use my gift of bringing peace to physical spaces via purging, tidying especially creating this art for others

These are just some of the truths that have been illuminated in this short trip. A fav author, Mark Batterson, says that change of pace + change of place = change of perspective. I have been in a season of discernment and trying to figure out what I can do to help bring in money for our family. I feel emboldened to keep pursuing organizing jobs. I have one lined up that I am so very excited about. It combines my love of tidying with my love of encouraging weary moms. So I trust God will continue to bring me the ones that I am to serve with my gifts.

I believe this time was so restorative because I operated in the pathways that connect me to God and thus I was connected greater to myself and others. Perhaps it was the illumination of these truths and the joy of being attentive to what my soul needs that has made it feel like such a glorious expansion of time. And it all started with an invitation. Being invited in is such a precious honor.