The Peace Pixie

Only she can tell you

Kids and dads often think maybe she wants to go to lunch/brunch. But for me, no thank you. Being a sibling referee or trying to entertain a younger feral child sounds like torture and not a Mother’s Day gift.

Maybe dads and kids think doing something as a whole fam sounds lovely. It may but maybe that sounds overstimulating and an uninterrupted nap sounds more like a gift.

There is no way to know what she wants unless you ask her.

To an empty nest mama, a whole day of togetherness may sound magical.

But to this mama who is in the thick of it, I want to be alone. I used to feel bad saying that. It may be hard for kids to understand. But it is not wrong or bad to feel this way. Everyday we are all in for others and sometimes we just need time to be.

To be myself

To be alone with my thoughts

To be focus on what brings me joy (writing does hence why I am sitting in a Starbucks writing this)

That is not to say being with my kids does not bring me joy. It does. But it also at times brings frustration, struggle, worry, dread, chaos etc. If it were all bliss I would not need to leave to just be.

I recognize that my introvert self needs the silence and solitude perhaps more than others. I also know that I am a HSP, highly sensitive person. So I can be overstimulated easier than others. I need retreat perhaps more than others. My nervous system is more activated than others so I need space to return to myself.

There must be balance. For too many years I played the martyr role ignoring and denying what I needed for the sake of the sacrificing mom. But that left me depleted and bitter at times.

I try to pay attention to what my kids need. I recognize my busy bee son needs outlets for movement. He needs to be near me. I know my oldest is grieving the end of her college career and needs to come home to a peaceful refuge to heal but that is hard when she shares a room with a 10 year old brother. I know my middle daughter needs the grace to ignore her room and focus on her last week of theater performances. My middle son needs a ton of alone time because his social battery is tiny.

I am aware of their needs and then I spend time worrying about the needs that I am not even aware of. So this awareness brings a weight and a weariness.

Then add in working 2 part time jobs and trying to manage a home with laundry, dishes, an insane amount of dog hair from the puppy that I got since I knew my kids wanted a 3rd dog- I am tired. There are more balls I juggle like making appointments for all the things we need: eye, dentist, physicals, therapies, etc. As moms we juggle SOOOOOOO many balls so it is normal to drop balls and show up to an appointment that was actually next week or leave the organic chicken in the car after shopping.

Young mamas have another layer of weariness with the comparison that comes with social media and feeling all the ways they do not “measure up”. Daily they are inadated with “experts” telling them they are doing this mothering thing wrong.

There are A LOT of needs. The list is long and this doesn’t even mention my needs.

As moms we can lose ourselves in the mix of it all. We ignore the exercise we need. We ignore the food we need to eat. We put off making the hormone replacement therapy appointment because someone needs a ride to the store to get school supplies.

The ball that we drop the most I believe is the one of self. We feel bad for picking it up because there are so many balls. We must take care of what we need to better juggle all the needs around us.

So this Mother’s Day I sit alone in a Starbucks for a few hours doing what brings peace. For me that is reading, writing and getting my papers in order. My extrovert middle daughter heard me saying I am going to Starbucks to work on paperwork. She empathetically said, “Awwww, mom you don’t need to work. It is Mother’s Day.” I explained it does not feel like work. It feels peaceful as I process the papers of last week and look ahead to next week. During the week it feels like survival mode of work, dinner, homework and bedtime. There is little time for anything else. So this space feels like what I need. It feels like a reset. It feels like a pause button on a busy week. I am proud of myself as this practice now happens most weeks. The younger kimi would only do this every once in a while. I now see I need this time as a gift to myself before I start another full week.

In my mind, Mother’s Day needs to happen weekly. I am not talking about the gifts or even the attention. But I do see the need for me to pay attention to what I need each week and truly each day. I must focus on self care daily so I can be fully present to love those around me.