I can be so hard on myself.
Like over the top, unfairly so.
While I am making my kids lunches I start to get frustrated with myself. I am frustrated that I have not better planned for these lunches. I am scrounging my cupboards and fridge trying to figure out what to send in the lunches. Then that leads to frustration that I have not been able to better plan our breakfasts. Every morning for a while now, kids ask “What’s for breakfast?” I reply, “Whatever you can find.” Then I get frustrated that our dinners have felt pretty similar. “What’s for dinner?” …. “Uh…. let me find something.”
I get frustrated that we eat the same meals each week. Now after reflecting I see how silly this. My fridge and cupboards are full. There are so many mamas world wide and millions here in these states that open an empty fridge and wonder how they will feed their kids. But in the moment this morning, I am not thinking rational. I am not living from a place of gratitude.
While making lunches I am focusing on holding the floodgates closed. I gotta wait til they all get out the door then I will let the tears. I don’t believe in hiding my emotions or tears from my family. I don’t think that is healthy. But this morning I rationalize that if these tears come now it will delay Jeremy taking the kids to school so I wear the mask. I know totally not healthy or wise. I am not thinking very wise at this point.
I give hugs and kisses as they head out the door. That was a close one, I barely was able to keep that mask on. Once I hear the truck drive away I give myself permission to let it out. The tears stem from the negative junk I had been thinking on. I had been dwelling on lies, absurdities. Things like:
- Why can’t I get organized?
- Why can’t I provide clean underwear for my family? (seriously laundry is constant;)
- Shouldn’t I be able to keep my sink clear of dirty dishes?
- Why is my desk covered in a million post its?
- Why can’t I style my new haircut cute like my hairdresser?
- I am disappointing my husband and my kids
That last lie was so absurd that it helped me to snap out of it. Here is some of my inner dialogue ( I talk to myself a lot, I live in my head especially since I am a uber reflective introvert): “kimi, that is crazy. There is no way Jeremy and your kids would say they are disappointed. They do not feel let down.”
I come downstairs and find a timely text from a special friend and mentor. Her text reads, “Good morning, “Lovely Lady”, may this day bring you the sweet peace of Jesus as you delight in his presence.” This is a reminder that I need to take these tears and lies to God so that I can focus on his words and truth towards me. I know my soul needs to sit and be still and focus on his love and truth.
So I sit and listen to my Pandora Bethel Music Station. Praise music is such an amazing balm to a hurting heart/soul. I close my eyes and meditate on the lyrics. There is one point where the lyrics bring tons of tears- “your love so deep is washing over me”-Sinking Deep by Young and Free. God loves me. My worth is not in being a great housekeeper or cook. He is not disappointed in me.
I know I need to be still longer so I listen to a few more songs to help me flip my perspective and not be consumed by these negative lies. There are some amazing lyrics that speak straight to my heart from How Can it Be? by Lauren Daigle. “I’ve been hiding. Afraid I’ve let you down…. But in Your eyes there’s only grace now…. You gave your life to give me mine. You say that I am free.”
Just last night (like seriously less than 12 hours ago) I just journaled (How I find life from journaling) on this verse- “So Christ has truly set you free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.” In my journal I wrote, “My soul feels free and unencumbered. Jesus frees me. To follow Jesus is freedom. Freedom from guilt, freedom from worry, freedom from living in fear of what others think of me, freedom from racism. So much freedom if I embrace it. I can often chose to live in chains and bondage. I can live in the bondage to guilt the eats away at me.”
The negative thoughts I was dwelling on was not freedom. Those lies are not from Jesus and he does not want me to live in those chains. He has set me free. Free from lies I want to believe about myself. More on the freedom Jesus offers in my next post.