4:45a.m- Isaiah crying and standing in his crib. This pattern is wearing on me. I need to learn how to train him to sleep longer. He wakes grumpy so of course I cannot put him down to do my housework. So up on the hip he goes as I unload the dishwasher. There is no stopping the tears. I am crying cause I am angry and going bitter. My thoughts: “Isaiah why are you doing this to me? You know, mommy needs time to herself. This is not fair. I need some quiet time in the morning, all alone.” I stew in this self-pity and bitterness for awhile and then I hear “why are you angry?”. And in that moment I realized that I have a choice. I can choose to grow bitter and be in a crappy mood today because of this and let my anger get the best of me. I was thinking,” how can I be angry when I have so much to be thankful for? For starters: I woke up this morning. Isaiah woke up this morning. He woke up strong and healthy. He woke up not connected to wires and machines in a hospital bed.” I thought, “how can I take these HUGE things for granted?” So I got out of that funk, moving on with the rest of the morning.
As I go about my morning, I am all over the place which is pretty normal for me. With all my kids I get distracted easily, putting out one fire to the next. I was feeling so scattered and
discouraged and I prayed,”Lord, help me not feel so scattered. Give me wisdom on how I can get more done.” No joke, I heard(now I do not hear him audibly but in my thoughts, just to clarify 🙂 Eliminate the noise. And I knew exactly what is the noise that distracts me- my iphone with its facebook, email and then my computer. So I thought “okay, tomorrow I am going to try to turn my iphone completely off(if anyone has an urgent need they can just call my house) and not touch my computer until I get the stuff done that i want and need to get done like my chores, my quiet time, and my exercise. And even then I thought I would still have boundaries on how long I do those things. So I thought I could do phone/internet… somewhere during the times 12-3. Now of course I do not want to do it for full 3 hours, maybe 30-45 minutes taking care of those things like texts, email, internet, etc….I was thinking I really do not want to be doing my phone and computer around my kids but instead to be fully present with them. And if necessary I could jump on computer once they get in bed. They will emulate my behavior so if I do not want teens who are constantly on their gadgets then jeremy and i have to model that and set needed boundaries.
So after dinner Jeremy watched the kids so I could exercise. i decided to just walk to the lake because i just needed quiet relaxing time. and when i run i cannot really think but only think that i cant wait til I am done. so i walked to the laked just enjoying praying while i walked. I sat at the lake enjoying the beautiful sunset. I could not stop looking at the gorgeous sky and clouds. A song popped in my head,”I lift my eyes up, up to the heavens, where does my help come from? My help comes from you, Maker of heaven, creator of the earth. Oh, how I need you Lord, you are my only hope. you are my only prayer. so i will wait for you to come and rescue me and come and give me life.” What a good reminder that I need this time away to sit with my Creator.