I know this seems like a totally obvious result but I am amazed how much self care is impacting other areas of my life. I remember reading something like this in the book, The Empowered Wife. She was saying one of the best ways to help your marriage is to care for your own needs and not expect your husband to do all of that for you. I so hope I am not totally misrepresenting the book. I listened to the audiobook twice for free through a library app so it is well worth the read. There were several nuggets of gold in it. Perhaps I will review on here one day. But when I first read that I had to pause. At first I was like, “Wait, aren’t I supposed to let him know what I need?” Yes I think absolutely. But the point where the dependence becomes unhealthy is when I expect him to meet all my needs for joy. That is too much to put on any human. No doubt his companionship brings me joy but I can’t expect him to fulfill every need I have. I have needs that only God can fulfill. I have dreams that only I can work on and bring to life. I have physical needs that only I can do like getting healthy and in shape.

I have been guilty of having a martyr complex. “Look at everything I am doing for our family and house.” Without regular heart checks any spouse can become bitter as they begin to keep tabs on who does what instead of a heart of love and service to one another. So there is no need to become bitter or jealous if he has a good to out to lunch with a friend. It is on me to schedule life giving times with girlfriends.

I have to think through what brings me joy and makes me feel alive.

I love to read but only I can crave out the time to read my books.

I love being in nature but only I can make space for a walk in the woods.

I love silence and solitude but only I can commit to giving myself that space to meditate and do centering prayer.

My hubby has been amazing in supporting me in the things I love. If I need he will take on more so that I can feel my own joy bucket. He has told me multiple times that if I am not well in my soul then our whole home/family is not well since I am the hub of our home. My role in keeping our family running is vital. I help to create a peaceful refuge for our family. And I do that best when I cultivate a peaceful refuge for my own soul. I must find out what brings me joy and commit to caring for myself by doing such things.

So yesterday evening I found myself in the car for about an hour and half just being a taxi to my kids and family. I picked up my son from the high school after baseball practice and dropped him at home. I then picked up 20 pizzas to bring to the youth group that my husband runs. I used to do that alongside him but something had to give as I went back to work. I now need that Tuesday evening for my home and my kids. Anyways did that. Then I went and picked up my daughter from the high school then went back and picked up our pizza dinner then went home. This is one of those times that I could have chosen bitterness that my already limited evening was taken up by taxiing. But instead I found my soul feeling like I had some much margin. I felt joy residing in my heart instead of resentment. I felt grateful that I had a car to even do this.

I am certain this gratitude and soul space was due to how I am caring for myself. I am making progress on my hopes and dreams and it is bubbling up as joy in other areas of my life. Yesterday I cared for my body by walking a mile on the treadmill before work. While walking I was typing on my laptop and making progress on writing my book that is burning on my heart. I walk just 2.0 miles an hour so that it is slow enough to type.

Since I am cultivating joy in my own life, I am finding joy in the mundane.

When I just give, give, give til burnout then resentment is readily available to my heart. But when I give to myself then it feels like I have more to give to others. I know the math does not seem to add up. For years I have felt like there is just not time to do what I love so I ignored my soul and body. There were brief pockets of self care but it was not a daily thing. I have experienced real burnout where I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. I have taken on too much while ignoring my needs til I feel worn thin and barely hanging on. So then I arrive at this depleted place and I either start caring for myself or I check out. So in those weary times, anxiety was crippling because I ignored my needs for far too long. I vividly remember telling my husband that it is not well within my soul. My body began to speak to me through crying all the time, heart pains, panic attacks, clenching/chomping my teeth while I slept, naps interrupted with quickened breath, and my eye twitching. My soul was in a state of stress but I would often not listen until my body made it obvious that it was not well with my soul. So then I would then be tender to myself. I would go to bed earlier. I printed my list I developed with a trusted psychiatrist of my anxiety hacks and start to care for myself with daily 30 minute walks, deep breathing etc.

During one of these burnout seasons, (I have had multiple because this lesson of self care has taken me decades to learn) a friend said something to me that stuck. She said, “You cannot pour from an empty cup.” How true that was. I tried. I poured myself out for days, weeks, months until my body revolted and said, “You are bone dry. There is nothing left. This has to stop.” We can lie to ourselves:

• “I’m fine”
• “I can live off of only 5 hours of sleep”
• “I can do this”
• “I can sleep when I am retired”
• “I will take care of myself when I am an empty nester”

Insert the lies you tell yourself. But our bodies will not lie to us. For me it has also been dr. ordered lab work that has helped me to see that I am not caring for my body with a high BMI, pre-diabetic range, low in iron, low in vitamin D, and low in vitamin B. But now close to 50 yrs old, I am paying attention. I want to be vibrant and strong for myself, for my kids, for my grandkids and my great grandkids.

I need this care.

My family needs me to care for myself.

There are gifts inside me that are longing to come out to bless the world but I can’t write this book if I am burnt out.