Oh man, this monthly solitude retreat is so overdue!! I did not get a chance to get away in April or May. I went back to work after 2 decades of being a stay at home mom and there has definitely been a learning curve. I am thankful that working will really help me learn to be more structured and disciplined. I know it is what I need to develop my rhythm/my rule of life. Rule means trellis. A grapevine needs a trellis to thrive and without it the vine grows wild and bears less fruit. This job will help me develop a trellis/put first things first in order to thrive. It will also help me to stay sane and have joy. When we spend our minutes/hours/days doing what matters to us, there is joy knowing you are doing what your heart wants and needs. And my heart needed this.

Last night I went to bed so weary. My heart was just so spent. Our youngest is at an age where things are harder. I know it will not last forever but it has taken way more patience and grace to parent him. So when I went to bed, I did not even want to use words. I was too weary for words. I love words. I love to talk and share stuff with my hubby. I love to write words. But last night, just heavy sighs and a resignation to bed.

I knew I needed to start my retreat early so I can maximize my time away. I left as soon as I could. My youngest wanted to do special time with me by baking homemade blueberry. Once I devoured 2 warm muffins, I was out.

Twice this morning I swallowed back tears. I do like to let them flow but I felt like I wanted them to flow while I was alone. Our youngest apologized last night for being grumpy so I did not want him to feel bad if he saw me crying because I know he would connect the dots and I did not want to leave for 24 hours with him feeling bad or sad.

As I packed up to go, I asked myself what do I need? What would feel most restorative to my weary heart? It did not take long to answer. I needed solitude in nature. I needed trees. I needed to hear the rustling of leaves and smell giant sequoias. Years ago some settlers planted several sequoias. They are massive compared to the other local trees but just babies to those like General Sherman. So I headed up to our local wildland preserves for a hike. Though I get a ton of solitude and silence on these retreats it is not 100% of either. The heart of it is alone and quiet but I still give advice of best places to newbies on the trail and such.

I noticed my pace is fast and then I realized I have nothing to rush for. I am not taking 2 eager kiddos down to the creek to play. I am not rushing back so my teen daughter can get to her next adventure. It is just me and I have no where to be. There is no need to rush “to get to” my silent retreat. This is my retreat. So I slow my pace. I sit when there is a flat boulder or bench. I listen. I try to bottle all the smells. I do pick up the pace to get ahead of the pack of field trip children. Hey, I do love kids but I need the quiet solitude.

I have never taken this trail alone. I quiet the fears of mountain lions or bears since I know sightings are rare. I make it to the creek. I find a dry, shady spot and sit but first make sure I do not sit near a baby rattlesnake like we saw just a few weeks ago.

I LOVE the sound of a babbling brook. I feel invited to sit. I sit and just chat with the Lord. I know that may sound weird but I do. Sometimes it is aloud but most the time it is inside my mind. I feel like he invites me to sit because I carried in some heavy burdens. I am invited to sit until I can leave those heavy rocks here. I brought in worries about technology and just feeling like it is taking over my family. I brought about a relationship. There are things I can do to help my heart feel more peaceful but I am not to carry these things. I have fears and ultimately I have to trust my loved ones to God’s care. I fear this technology will corrupt this child’s heart in this particular way. But I cannot control what they do outside of boundaries. We can put up fences to help them from falling off a cliff or falling into a ravine but we cannot control if they circumvent our fences.

And the relationship fear- I cannot control what others say to this child. All I can do is be there for this child even if they choose to believe lies- I cannot control that. I can speak truth and love and pray. That is it.

I am weary of carrying burdens that are not mine to carry. I must leave them here.

I watch the gentle flow of the water. I watch as leaves fall into the water and are carried. It is so peaceful to watch as they release control and are carried as they drop into the cool snow run off. I want to be like that leaf. I want to be carried effortlessly by the Spirit. I want to follow the Spirit’s lead. I do not want to jump out in front trying to navigate my way. I want to rest in the flow.

I don’t know how long I sit at the creek. I wait to finish the trail until I hear other hikers. I guess I prefer safety in numbers or at least they can hear if I scream because of a large animal. So I wait til they are a good ways up and just trail behind.

Awesome, 2 hours hiking in nature. My bone dry cup already feels full. I decide I want to have a lunch that will fuel my writing endeavors so I had to Maria Polla for a lunch of chicken, fresh salsa, beans and rice. I know soda and junk food lunch will just make me want to take a nap and I don’t want to sleep but I want to write.

I head to Starbucks to have free wifi and a cool place to sit. There are not many modern day “wells”/”watering holes” where people can just sit and work. This is a dream of ours to open a place with lots and lots of seating indoors and outdoors where people can come work/read/play.

I sat and wrote from noon to 6pm. I worked on my motherhood book I hope to publish this year. I wrote a new piece for it as well as complied older works. I could have totally kept writing because I love it but my body was revolting from sitting so long and hunger was setting its. It is said- “Do what you love and you will not work a day in your life.” I get the idea behind this. Today writing did not feel laborious or taxing. It felt light and freeing. I see why Elizabeth Gilbert in Big Magic talks about keeping your day job so as to not tax/burden your creativity with the weight of bringing home a paycheck. Relying on my writing to pay the bills could feel burdensome. But instead it is a delightful treasure I can return to.

I head to my fav Mexican restaurant, Rosie’s and get the usual. I have never ordered anything different than a bean and cheese burrito with a side of onions and a side of sour cream. I can not bear to do it. I love this simple fav so much that I do want to waste money, calories, stomach space on something I may not LOVE.

After dinner, I head to my mother in love’s apartment. She crashes out our place so I can crash at hers. I write for another hour and a half. My body is telling me I need to shift cause it is hurting so take a hot shower. It is rare where I am not rushing a shower. Either off to work or hurrying to go hang out with my hubby before I turn into a pumpkin. So I linger and enjoy the therapeutic hot water. I hop out and write some more. 8:50pm my body says it is time to sit on the couch and read. I better brush before I read cause I will likely get sleepy and want to crawl into bed. My hope for this retreat was to write a technology manifesto of sorts for our family cause I am tired of the disconnect. But I am not feeling it so I will see how I feel after I sleep on it. I am trying to better pay attention to my peace level. I don’t want to force things to happen. It is all about timing.

I slept a solid 8 hours and work before my 8am alarm. I spent time reading my Jesus Calling book and my Bible. I journaled. Felt nice to start my day slowly and when I felt rested.

I began to work on some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my brain and on scraps of pieces of paper for months. I have been wanting to put boundaries in place for our family’ technology and implement a rule of life/trellis/rhythm of our family to thrive instead of survive. This time away was just what I needed. In Invitation to Silence and Solitude by Barton I read of this image that has helped me time and time again. It is this image of a sealed glass jar and in the jar is some river water. The water is murky and full of sediment. She shares how this is our life. This jar is shaken and in constant motion so the waters stays murky. But it is not until the jar is set down and left in stillness that the sediment begins to settle to the bottom and the water begins to clear. This is what this retreat has felt like. I have given my mind and body a chance to slow down. The constant motion has stopped. I paused things like email, calling for doctors appointments, scheduling vacations etc. I was just present to what I needed. As I rested, the water is no longer cloudy but clarity has come on something that I have been pondering for months honestly the last couple of years. It was the silence, solitude and stillness that brought the clarity. Absolutely priceless.

I wanted to end my time with 20 minutes of meditation/centering prayer/contemplative prayer. I used the contemplative outreach centering prayer up. My cup is so full! I am so grateful for this space to allow my soul to slow down and the waters of my soul to clear.

I am packing up my stuff. I actually had 26 hours away. I could have had longer but I feel ready to return home.

Cost of this retreat:

Lodging: free
Lunch: $16

Starbucks (coffee and a juice since I was there 6 hours!!): $12

Dinner: $10

Total cost: $38 for a soul maintenance retreat: priceless