Ahhhh… I am here at my annual silent retreat at a local Catholic retreat center. I get here as soon as they allow the guests to arrive. I believe I have been coming here every spring since we moved back home to CA. So this may be my 4th year.

I currently have one nostril that runs like a faucet but even with this minor cold, I am beyond the moon to be here.

Most days, most hours, most minutes- I feel like my mind is a frantic hamster on a wheel. Before I began to type this, I closed 41 open tabs but left 4 open in fear of me forgetting to do what the tab triggers me to do. The cuckoo amount of tabs open is such a clear picture of my mind. I have all these “tabs” open, unfinished tasks that I hope to return to later. I recognize this is likely due to ADHD. One of those “tabs” open is to call and schedule an ADHD assessment. Ahhh… the irony.

My dear friend encouraged me to embrace this part of me. The neurodivergent brains that is pondering so many things throughout a day. I am not going to “solve” me or “fix” me. But there are parts of me that make peace harder to come by. For example like my tendency to collect scraps of paper with notes scribbled on them. I must write immediately to capture them but I want a better system so that when I lose a sacred piece of info on the back of a gum wrapper I don’t panic. I know I will continue to need to capture this running thoughts but I’d like just a few containers for these escaping thoughts. So I bought 3 spiral notebooks to attempt to reduce the post it piles. One to keep downstairs and one to keep upstairs because if I have to go to the other level to jot a note, I know I won’t but will instead grab the nearest piece of paper regardless of its size. I also have one in my purse. This is still not a perfect system. I just keep adding to these long lists with virtually no review of multiple lists. Ideally each day I round up the notebooks and look to see what I should do for the day. What 3 essential things do I need to do for our home/family and what 3 things do I need to do for myself to stay sane. Those sanity ones rarely make the notebook lists but I know I need them like take a walk outdoors, meditate and read for at least 10 minutes a day.

All that to say, I am SO THRILLED to hopefully hop off the hamster wheel for 48 hours. I did not bring my notebooks. I brought this laptop to write because writing often untangles me. I brought my journal to capture possible thoughts with lectio divina. I brought a couple books to read since that makes me happy. And I bought an Ignatian examen book to review my day. As always I bring too much but I would rather have more than enough than not enough. I can now see why my spiritual director at times has encouraged me to leave it all at home and just be on these 24 hours away. This was a full weekend and I had some hopes I finishing 2 books and writing so I choose to bring all of this.

Upon arrival I brought my stuff to my room. Ahhh…. my glorious room. The simplicity of this place is so comforting to my weary soul. This retreat center was built in 1952 and has gone through updates. The vintage charm has reminders of the various decades. The 1950s baby blue tile tells the story of comforting many weary guests throughout the years with a hot shower. The forest green carpet, mauve and honey colored wooden chairs are a throw back to the 80s. The bathroom pocket door is original to the 1950s. Random fun fact that pocket doors were first invented in the 1850s but made a resurgence in the 1950s. Mind blown. The painted cinder block walls add to the simplicity. So I had no ideas the history of using cinder blocks until I looked it up for this. After World War 2 there was a massive demand for housing and cinder blocks provided a low cost, fire resistant, durable and quick option especially in warm places like California and Florida. I geek out over history stuff. The 1950s thick glass light globe in the bathroom is a sweet reminder that this place has blessed people for close to 80 years.

The crazy thing is that it is all about perspective. This place represents a safe, welcoming place for my tired mind and body. It’s age and simplicity draw me in. But if my hubby booked us a motel for our anniversary that looked like this I’d tease him to try harder next time. I’d wonder about its cleanliness and would be skeptical to touch the comforter or walk barefoot. But since I know that sweet tiny (they really are small ladies here) nuns wash the laundry- I am totally cool with it. Just a funny realization I had.

So after I brought my stuff to my room I realized I needed a quick 30 minute nap before the bell tolls for dinner. I ended up not sleeping but just letting my body pause from the constant go mode.

This first dinner is for socializing and then after that silence is instituted until lunch time on Sunday. Small talk with strangers for this introvert is so not my fav but I do it with a smile knowing that I am about to be rescued from future meal conversations after this. I have had an extrovert shame me for this by saying that this in essence makes me self absorbed in not wanting to get to know people. This couldn’t be further from the truth. With those I am in relationship with, I love to go deep and care for them at a soul level but coming to this weekend weary that is not my pursuit. I want relief and rest. I want to nurture these weary bones and allow myself to be restored without worrying if those around me are receiving the same. I am proud of myself for not receiving those destructive words and trust in knowing my heart is good.

An hour after dinner is the first conference session. But for me, I came to this women’s silent retreat for the silence so I choose to skip it. Younger Kimi may have felt bad or went out of obligation or out of fear of what others think. I recognize that these 2x daily sessions help the weekend not feel too hard or scary with so much other silence. But my soul needs silence or solitude. My soul leans towards contemplation and asceticism. I also NEED nature to feel close to God. So after dinner I took a lovely 2 mile walking around the orange groves watching the brilliant colors of the sunset. This is where I needed to be and not indoors listening to more words. Some need the extra words of encouragement and hope but I receive that encouragement from walking in nature.

When I returned I decided to do 20 minutes of centering prayer. Years ago I went away for a weekend at another Catholic retreat center to learn contemplative/centering prayer. We were guided through 8 sessions throughout the weekend. I came home literally feeling so light and free. I had such an enormous capacity for love and patience that it shocked me. I can only attribute it to this practice of taking time to just sit and soak in God’s love. It was as though I was filled to overflowing and then was able to share that love with others. So my hope for this weekend is to shoot for 6 “sessions” of 20 minutes of centering prayer. I need to be filled. I need to be stilled. I need to be grounded. I need to be re-centered.

After centering I decided to take a hot shower. Water, especially warm/hot water is so soothing and regulating to my system. I delight in allowing myself to feel cared for during this time. I realize that showering at home is more out of necessity and not as a restorative practice. I can often wait to shower once I can’t rock a busy bun anymore so every 2 days or so. And when I do it is quick so I can move onto putting my youngest to bed so that I can have enough time to hang out with my husband. It certainly does not feel restorative and peaceful. A Family Circus comic currently hangs on my fridge. The mom is clearly relaxing in a hot shower. The next comic square has 2 little kids screaming, “MOMMY!! MOM!” The next caption mom is peaking her head out the door to see what they need. They reply, “We are thirsty.” My mother in law sees me and knows how much my youngest needs me. She is the one who saved this comic for me. This comic is a clear reminder how we can often get our needs pushed to the side when our kids needs come barging in.

THESE RETREATS ARE TO REMIND ME THAT I MATTER AND THAT MY NEEDS MATTER.

After my shower I decide to write this. I end up writing over 1,500 words which feels amazing to my soul since I have a goal to write more often. “Write 100 words” is one of the goals I track each month with a daily calendar tracker chart. So today I got to check that off and write 1500 in the little box. I find once I start writing I can easily meet my 100 words goal. It is important to set easy, doable goals so you can create momentum.

At these retreats I allow myself to actually go to sleep when I am tired so I crawl under the covers at 10:00pm. At home it is to easy to let everyone else’s needs come first.

Originally I thought I would wake early and watch the sunrise but sleep won. I went to breakfast at 8. I love that someone else feeds me here. Afterwards I went for a 2 mile walk around the groves. I am praying my smell is restored while I am here because I do love the smell of cedar and orange trees. Even if I cannot smell it, I know I am getting the benefits of forest bathing. It is so cool how Japanese scientists have discovered all these physical benefits of walking among the trees. Their work proves what my spirit already knew.

I return to my room and sit and do 20 minutes of meditation. Then I sit outside and continue reading/researching/working on the technology conversation/contract for our family because I am so weary of the HOURS we spend on screens. I want to help them see how they are being manipulated by these companies to stay on their apps for a long time.

After lunch I sit outside and do 20 of centering prayer meditation. Then I take a 30 minute nap on a comfy patio lounger under an oak tree. I return to my room and read and write.

The rest of the evening I walk 2 miles after dinner and watch the glorious sunset from this hilltop retreat center. The view is astounding. I mediate for another 20 minutes. I read and write lots this evening. Go to bed when I am sleepy about 10pm.

I sleep in again and go to breakfast at 8:00am. After I take one final walk of the orchards. Knowingly it is likely my only one of the day I decide to walk longer, 3 miles this time. I shower, read, write and meditate. I will skip the lunch since talking resumes after 10:30am. I want to stay in the silence as long as I can before returning home about 1:00pm.

While I was on my morning walk I realized I was literally thinking about nothing. This is seriously a miracle in itself. What a pure gift for this usually frantic hamster wheel brain.

Cost of this retreat:

Lodging: $130 since I received a financial need scholarship for the other half

Meals: covered in the total cost

Total cost: $130 for a soul reset weekend retreat: priceless