This is something I have to remind myself often.

I need this reminder when someone is not honoring my communicated boundaries.

I need this reminder when someone is threatening to steal my peace with their emotional unhealth.

I need this reminder when some “expert” is forcefully expressing their opinion on what I should do with my body.

This has been a lesson that has been taken years for me.

Younger Kimi longed to make people happy. It was not just family and friends but even random people like a dentist I saw for the first time.

Younger Kimi did not really rely on her gut or her intuition to lead her. Fear was often in the driver’s seat. Fear of people’s opinions. Fear of hurting people. Fear of disappointing people. Fear of sounding/looking dumb.

Older Kimi can now look back onto some situations and see that I betrayed what my heart really wanted and betrayed my peace and now have regrets. As I type I have residual pain from a choice that went against what I was feeling and went with what the “expert” thought. It is true doctors and dentists are far more of an expert in their field than I am but I know my body best and I need to follow what my heart/gut is saying.

6 years I had a tooth that was toast. The dentist wanted to “save” it by giving me a root canal. I wanted to just pull it for many reasons. #1 I knew of a family member whose root canal led to cancer because some of the filings feel into the cavity and developed a tumor. #2- the cost of a root canal vs. extraction is HUGE. I had zero peace about this root canal the dentist was urging towards. But I ignored my heart and followed their “expert” advice.

The root canal ended up being botched. Literally the dentist said, “Oops must have went too far” when I jolted up in pain. Week later the pain still remained. They said well a canal must have been missed and they needed to do it again. This time I did not ignore my gut. I said no and got it pulled like I originally wanted to. I have seen multiple dentists since then to figure out why I cannot chew on that side and have regular headaches on my right side. I have seen ENTs, neurologists, etc. My primary doctor thinks it is likely nerve damage.

This past week I had a post op appointment for a recent outpatient surgery. I asked for lab work for my hormones since I am likely in perimenopause. That felt like a huge win. I was advocating for my own health and not just waiting for the dr. to take the lead on this. I am reading and researching what I need to thrive instead of waiting/hoping for my dr. to lead me to health. She said sure on the bloodwork and said she would send Bella in to draw my blood. So I have not typically love to get my blood drawn. I usually ask to lay down just in case I get fainty which I often have. I still planned to do that. But as I was waiting for Bella to return I realized that everyone working in this clinic is super young. I am glad the clinic is empowering young women in women’s health but I am not game for newbie Bella to draw my blood. I need an expert in this since it is already a stretch for me. I realize I want to get my blood drawn by the local lab with the same two ladies who work 40 hours a week just drawing blood. Let someone else donate their veins to empower these young female employees. It ain’t me. So when Bella comes in, I tell a lie and say my babysitter needs me back. Okay I didn’t need to lie and I also did not need to tell her the truth of doubting her skills. I could have let my no be no without a reason just that I decided I want to wait. Nonetheless I walked out of that clinic beaming with an ear to ear smile. I owned what I wanted and stuck to it. I was not bound by fear or ought or should. It felt like a enormous shift for this normally timid soul.

So as you go about your day, remember you are the boss. You are the boss of your body. You are the boss of your space. You are the boss of your boundaries.

There are is a poem/prayer of Teresa of Avila that has been encouraging me lately:

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing frighten you,

All things pass away:

God never changes.

Patience obtains al things.

He who has God

Finds he lacks nothing;

God alone suffices.